I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My vagina just clenched in fear
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
