Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
