my mouth tastes like poor choices
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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