Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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