There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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