I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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