Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
