I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
