My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
