Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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