Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
