thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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