...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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