i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
