Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize