they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize