Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
dude. I can hear the air.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
