i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
