John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
