I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
