It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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