if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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