I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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