I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
