I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
