Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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