It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
