this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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