i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
