I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
