neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
