i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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