The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
