"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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