I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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