Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
God, I missed his penis.
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