well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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