we're chasing vodka with high fives
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
