he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
