It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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