I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
