I showed him my bush... on skype.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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