I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
