well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I need moral support for this bender
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
