Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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