She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
