hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
