I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
