Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
