I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
