Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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