when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
