If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
