Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
