Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
