In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
