actually, I'm a sock model
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
